A Probability Theory
It is good to be reminded of fundamental truths about oneself on occasion. It was recently brought to my attention by a friend that I appear to have something to prove to the world, to which I could only respond, that is certainly true, sending my mind down a path to deconstruct this certainty, yielding this post. That thought process, “me against the world”, has been present within my consciousness and internal dialogue as long I can remember. As a child and young adult this was always a driving motivation in my life, I always knew that I needed to do something different, something more, something uniquely me, and here I find myself, smack dab in the middle of living it.
As a child, I was loved deeply and cared for by a big family of grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, siblings, a father, and a mother who would never consider quitting, despite extremely challenging circumstances. Circumstances that stacked the statistical probability way against my dreams becoming reality, the way I saw it, it was me against the world. I had two things going for me as a young man, a good head on my shoulders and the unconditional love, support and example set by my mother and grandmother. I am an old soul, always older than my years, so early on, taking my cue from them, I just got busy making a future rather than excuses, making the most of opportunities they never had, all the while using, “me against the world” as fuel for my singularly focused motivation.
In my 20’s and 30’s this translated into a relentless search for the next thing, education, career, hobbies, always something else to do, someplace else to go, something new to learn, always something. Even today, this element is present, and has its advantages, motivation is easy to summon, but the downsides are abundant, it takes a lot of mental and physical energy being me. It can be heavy to carry at times, I have crumbled under its weight on more than one occasion. There was never much left over for other people, a glaring failure in my life, in my eyes at least.
Now I am a little older and hopefully a little wiser, my proficiency has increased, that basic conditioning will always live inside my mind, an underlying force that I can still use at will, but now I can wield it like a pencil rather than a battering ram, sketching out possible outcomes for this life, but always in pencil, never in ink, so it can easily be rewritten. In here, in my mind, in the stream of thoughts and lucid consciousness is also where my wanderlust grows, inside this old soul, I can see now this has always been my condition and with that a new found peace with the speed and trajectory of this life.
The range of probable outcomes all look fantastic, the statistical probabilities are now in my favor, the universe seems to be letting me know that it wants me to be happy, this restless old soul is finding contentment, and for that I feel an abundance of gratitude.
“Forever is composed of nows.” - Emily Dickinson
