Entertaining Irrational Thoughts
I find myself humbled by this work of self discovery, it is certainly not the easy path, and humbling seems to be the reoccurring theme over here, just as my mind seems to be clear of unintentional thoughts, some old habit, thought, belief, or the not self shows up to knock the living shit out of me and put me right back in my place, usually at what seems to be the worst possible and most inconvenient moment. Knocking me right out of my high vibrational self and into lower vibration energy levels. I am coming to terms with the following reality, these are the things I am here to learn in this life, they are not going anywhere, no matter how much I wish they would.
Trust me, I regularly consider if it would have just been easier to stay in the dark, oblivious to what I now know, popping Xanax to ease the fully loaded freight train of irrational thoughts that rumbles through my head on a moment to moment basis. I am a heavy thinker, both in weight and volume. Having never taken Xanax in any medicinal way, there where a couple of times recreationally, as scientist I must admit this, I decided to perform an experiment the other day, happenstance found me with half a xaney, and my mind was in full blown freight train mode, a thought producing machine, fully loaded with cargo, creating deep profound feeling, triggering emotional responses in the body, west bound and down, one of these times and moments people would call anxiety, I popped the xaney, purely in the name of science I assure you. I see the allure, it is so easy and the alternative is so hard, it took the heavy bearing rapid thoughts and slowed them down, what remained of them seemed unimportant, I just didn’t feel them anymore, a way out of the thoughts, an escape from my mind, at least for a short time. It ended up being a powerful experiment, one that gave me some great insights, as well as some relief, appreciated that, grateful for the happenstance.
That is not me though, no judgement on those who do take it, we are each on our own journey here, no doubt some have even more intense and pervasive thoughts than mine, not making light of those at all, my thoughts, no matter how fast they come, the mass they carry, how irrational they are, nor how they might make me feel, are part of me. They are indication of alignment or misalignment in this life, the irrational ones are typically a misalignment in my being, a place of contraction, energy that needs to be moved, a place that needs my attention and love. I plan to fully experience this life, feel it all, some say that could be our only purpose for being here, to feel, because without this human body and mind there would be no feeling, the soul doesn’t feel, the mind and the feelings it creates and their emotional response in the body are what make us human.
Back to getting my ass handed to me, exhaustion, gets me every time, full mental exhaustion, but my mind has cleared, high vibration energy has returned, my resolve is steadfast, just keep going down the rabbit hole with the understanding there is no end, no bottom, no finish line, just more questions and more layers to peel back. Each of us has our own personal struggle to learn about in this life, mine have become more clear and obvious over these past months, I suppose the challenge is accepting there maybe no answers to these dilemmas, at least not in this lifetime, only the knowledge that these are the lessons I am here to learn and to experience the feelings associated with them, the good and the bad, because without the bad there can be no understanding or appreciation of the good. Happiness only exists in their duality.
I move forward today and everyday doing my best to hold my presence in the now, forgiving myself for those time’s I am unable to do as such, knowing in my soul that everything that happens is for me, I am here to feel it all, everything is in fact perfect, and just as it should be, even if I don’t understand it in this moment.
There is a famous quote credited to Saint Augustine, there seems to be some dispute if he earned the credit, but I love it anyhow so I offer it up below as encouragement to all, as we engage and wrestle with this new and magical tool of evolution, the human mind, and the illusion of the ego.
“The truth is like a lion. You don't have to defend it. Let it loose. It will defend itself.” -St. Augustine
