Moments That Matter
I find myself in preparation mode, traveling back Mexico’s Pacific coast later this week, going in for a deeper look, but I will get into that in a moment. Thus far in twenty four, my posts have been a little less story and more slanted towards self discovery, you get no apologies from me on this, just where I find myself in the present. The stories are all there, in the deep recesses of my brain, but also being recorded in the pages of my journals, there has been no inclination to bring them to life right now, there is no muse, it takes the right frame of mind to bring reality to life with written words, colorfully adding my share of outright lies and half truths for good measure, I suppose I have been preoccupied, working on me, besides I need to save some of the good fictionalized reality stream of consciousness nonsense for the book that is unfolding in my head.
I leave more of my inner self out for the world to see than most, more than just about anyone, its like leaving the front door to your mind open for any passer byes to see, it is a strange feeling in the breeze, the ass cheeks of the mind bare for any willing onlookers, scares the shit out of some people, I hear that regularly, but it is curiously refreshing as well, empowering, the way I see it, its the only way this is interesting enough to write about, let alone to be intriguing enough for readers to make it through the drivel, but of more importance personally, it is the truth. So here it is.
If you’re still reading and following along, we are going in for a deeper look into my mind. Scary thought eh! I am set to do three nights of plant medicine ceremonies, ayahuasca, in Puerto Vallarta. After my retreat experience, one that opened whole new world of imagined possibilities for me, I was invited back to do personal ceremonies and without hesitation, I said “yes”, I have to see how deep the rabbit hole goes, what conditioning can I shed, what else is there to know about my authentic self, I must know. So yes, I am all in on this journey, I am going to find a way to go wherever it leads, both physically and spiritually, I am swimming with the current in the river of life, what a fun and wild trip this is going to be. This thought of “what if I end up in a Peruvian jungle training in plant medicine, and writing this book”, keeps coming to me in my thoughts and dreams. I don’t even know what to make of that, but I am open to all and none of the possibilities at the same time, anything possible works for me.
With just the Shamans and I this go around, my spiritual guides, only our energy in the room, the idea; to see where it goes without energy interference, I trust them completely, they will help navigate me through whatever is to come, it takes courage but also trust to step off into the unknown, they are the reason I am coming back here, not only because of the safe space they create but also their powerful medicine. I have some nerves, but I am more excited and energized, there will be purging, the purging part is not so fun, but I don’t mind it too much, I would say it is a welcomed part of the process, part of the healing, I am holding onto the joy felt after clearing all that energy last time, I am still carrying the open space in my heart, still deciding what to fill it with.
In addition to the three journeys with Mama Aya and her powerful plant medicine, plan to enjoy Puerto Vallarta as much possible, reconnect with some friends, I rented a great condo with an ocean view roof top infinity pool for a few days, then spending the remaining days ocean side in a quaint little flat right on the Pacific. Spaces for integration. Oh how I love the ocean, the beach, the sun, the sand, and certainly the spiritual energy of the Pacific will be a welcomed feel to my inner being again, just the thought of it has the feeling washing over me like a hot shower on a cold morning, soothing to the soul, what a great place to explore the depth of that soul with some relaxation thrown in for good measure.
The places that keep finding me, the divine plan within the motion of the universe, and my willing presence to it all. I had the good fortune to be trapped in an elevator with three other humans a few weeks back, you could see this as bad luck, many would I suppose, something to be feared, but I assure you it was quite the opposite, something to be appreciated, reality came on slowly then all at once, the door was not opening, buttons were pushed, phone calls made, I was observing, watching fear wash over their physical bodies, the subtle color change of the skin, cheeks flushed red, their energies shifted to lower vibrational frequencies, then I watched the fear move into their eyes when it really hit them, I will never forget that moment, in an instant we all knew we would be there awhile. It felt as if everyone went to panic, I felt the panic rush through me for a moment, but just for a moment, then I tapped into the authentic self, the one that knows everything is always perfect and this is exactly where I was meant to be, and that is what I said out loud in the moment, “everything is perfect” flowed across my lips as I sat down cross-legged on floor of that elevator, allowing my energy and presence to calm the space and then enjoy the company of the beautiful energy beings surrounding me, the fire department showed up eventually, pried the door open, sprung us loose from our predicament, all told it was 30 minutes of blissful incarceration, at least that is the way I remember it all going down and this is my story.
This thing, I struggle to find a name to call it, this calming energy presence that seems to be both healing and contagious, it has been showing up on the regular, almost as if the universe is handing out opportunities to experience and use it, like it is handing out candy to a child, and my experience wielding it is very much childlike in this present moment, akin to a child with a new toy, this appears to be a gift when I am my best self, high vibration Joshua, but it cuts both ways, and more in the extremes than any other time my life, when the not self shows up, usually during moments of exhaustion, or my energy is out of sync with a place or moment, it is the more anxious controlling energy, low vibration Joshua, this energy never serves me well, its about control and manipulation, this is the human ego in action, trying to protect me from danger, attempting to control outcomes, a resistance to the divine order of things, as if it, the ego, somehow knows better than the divine, it is a duality and part of my journey here to learn about. I am ass deep in the process of understanding out how it all works, more to come on that. I now know as a matter of certainty, when you start peeling back layers of the self, it is going to be uncomfortable at times, a rollercoaster ride, so you had better buckle up. The extremes of the human condition, our condition, my condition.
This energy phenomenon was revealed to me on my first set plant medicine ceremonies, this calming energy presence of the authentic self, what I am capable of sharing with others when at my best, its always been there, the difference is my presence in the moment, how I am showing up, its powerful stuff, fills my heart, I have so much to share, and this is why I am returning, my intent is set and solid for this next set of journeys, I know exactly the questions I am there to ask, for where I seek truth, deep within the letting go of a powerful purging session, I have trust that I will feel and experience exactly what I need to feel and experience, no more, no less. There is likely to be profound pain and struggle but also extraordinary joy and gratitude, it will be pure magic.
This path of self discovery, the process of energetic upgrades to my being, has certainly come at a cost, you can’t peel back this much of the self without some repercussions, I am processing through a lot of old conditioning. There are times when I feel an awkward sense that all my filters and self protecting façade are just gone, or significantly lowered beyond normally accepted societal levels, or my genuine authenticity is just too much for people, or my energy is just out of sync and I am not not my high vibration self, my thoughts reflect back to a number of recent of occasions when I have said and done things in a moment that I wish I had back, profound regret, this is the “not self” fighting back hard, looking to provide proof of truth to those old beliefs, saying, “see I told you that you needed me to keep you safe”, all this results in those feeling of regret hanging heavy like a thick cloud at times, as thick, black, and dense as any thought I have ever experienced.
As my ego keeps pushing its old stories and conditioning, pushing against the higher self and the new beliefs I am creating, the mind doesn’t know what to do, as it can’t hold two conflicting beliefs at the same time, its just not possible, and the result is cognitive dissonance, a wretched state of being, which for me includes anxiety, fatigue, delusions, profound confusion, and potentially undesired behaviors, retreat would be the relief, that is what the ego desires, but as Lindsey Buckingham sang, “I’m never going back again”, I intend to see this through, the old beliefs will fall away, and the new ones take root, just as they have been all along this journey, I have trust in that, this is all just more layers of “not self” being peeled away, these things coming to the surface are the old conditioning asking to be let go, all this pain seems like a minor short term tradeoff to undertake what few people ever even embark to accomplish, I suppose I love the possibility and wonder of it all, the adventure speaks to me, living in a state of being where you know anything and everything is possible and its all perfect.
These reoccurring incidents lately, they make it all worth the effort, pain, and struggle, these places I keep finding myself by “chance”, with the presence to appreciate them in the moment for what they are, this recent elevator incident, another first in my life, just a single moment in time, but a memory to be treasured forever, for a depth of reasons to personal to share here. I love these sorts of experiences, it was one of those moments I write about frequently, where the best memories are created, when our earthly plans don’t go as we intended, where the divine wipes its ass with your agenda, but with presence in the moment, it is an opportunity to experience your best self, doesn’t matter if you are talking broken elevators, way to close grizzly bear encounters, violently vomiting in remote locations, government medical clinics in the Caribbean, broken down airplanes, running through airports, or countless others, it seems to me, these are moments that really matter.
You can’t know why things happen as they do, to know why is to know the future, its not possible, there is only the present moment, but you can be certain that now is perfect and it is all for you.
I will leave you with this, some song lyrics that capture these feelings, both in the present and the entirety of my existence, both in the light and the dark, the ups and the downs, the high vibration and the low vibration, the heaviness and the happiness, and the challenge of integrating it all into daily life here on earth.
This is the single greatest and most challenging adventure of my life, I will see you on the other side, better than ever.
Joshua
“I'm not like them
But I can pretend
The sun is gone
But I have a light
The day is done
But I'm having fun
I think I'm dumb
Or maybe just happy
Think I'm just happy”
- Dumb, Nirvana
