A Beautiful Dance

In the time that has past since my three night dance with Ayahuasca, while considering this account that I am getting ready to unfold for you, about this journey into the realm of the spiritual, into the mysteries of the universe and this life here on earth, I have been engaged in an internal struggle with what to write, how to write it, how do I actually communicate what took place, the shit that what went down, which was as deep and profound as anything my consciousness has ever considered. I have learned a lot about myself over the past years, but this set of events really strips me down to a raw core, and to write about it, and then publish it, well that puts it all the way out there in a way even I have never done, but I don’t know how to write about truth or with passion unless it goes deep enough to elicit my emotions, that is where I write from when at my best, there is a feeling I get when it comes from that place, if not, I can find no inspiration. The questions remain and hang over me, how to do it, should I share it, do I even want to, what are the right words, what are the right ways to share, what do I keep only for myself and those closest to me?

I suppose the value judgements we as humans place on events weighs on my mind, you my audience will know my deepest darkest secret, I find it troublesome, but yet once again curiously empowering, letting it all hang out, this secret, maybe secret is the not the right word, but how else would you describe it, this dark moment that I have kept it hidden from my conscious self for my entire life, a piece of imprinting so deep, so early in life, so to the core of my conditioning that it wasn’t even included in my set of conscious memories. How does one share such a thing? It makes my stomach turn as I sit here now and type these words, but I have promised myself to live in the light and with truth, to write from that place, to share it with others, but this is some deep shit… I promise to give you all of my truth that I can muster.

Before we get to the goods, there is some contextual housekeeping that needs to be accounted for, setting the stage if you will, I feel it is my duty to the truth, there is no way to tell this story exactly as it went down, in the complete and proper sequence of events and timeline, what you are about to read is my best recollection of how it all happened, my full and honest truth, what I experienced, not only does time and its relative juxtaposition to events flow in a strange ways under the influence of this medicine, I don’t always remember my complete experience until hours or sometimes days later. In fact, I typically don’t remember much until the hours following the completion of the ceremony, one of the reasons I don’t sleep well afterwards, I am usually running a mental marathon, busy scribbling in my journals, these notes made in the hours and days that followed are the basis for all you are about to read. These facts make it challenging to tell it in story format, conversations between my Shamans, Jessica and Jorge, occur over a period of days and nights, and insights happen when they happen, spiritual awakening is not a linear process, so I have done my best to sequence it into a set of events that is enjoyable and readable for you, my audience. But rest assured, everything here is truth, it is the reality I am living in, and exactly the experience I working through integrating. With that out of the way, lets get on with it.

I arrived in Puerto Vallarta the day before the first ceremony, checked into my Airbnb, made multiple treks up and down the hilly cobblestone streets to secure supplies, fruit, vegetables, bread, water, tea, even managed to secure a couple of tasty soursups, filling my backpack with each stop, enough to make it through a few days, all this requiring enough effort to work up a good sweat in the heat and humidity, all the while questioning my decision to wear flip flops, my stomach in shambles. I was nearing the end of my second week on the previously mentioned diet, no meat, no dairy, no animal products at all, the lack of protein kept me in near constant state of hunger, and my digestive system didn’t like it much either, too many bananas I suppose, but this is the necessary preparation required for Ayahuasca, and I was committed to it along with rest of the requirements. That afternoon prior and the day leading up to the first ceremony, I relaxed by the pool with the Pacific in full view in all its glorious spender and worked on my tan, writing in my journals, listening to my favorite tunes, solidifying my intent, completely focused on the task ahead of me, my intuition and gut told me I had some heavy lifting upon me, I would soon find out how right I was.

Going into the first night, I knew I had some heavy energy hanging out inside me, it had been lurking, part of the duality of being me, who I am, the otherside, the yin and yang, but more on that later. I have been engaged in some deep self reflection the past six months, a search for understanding and truth, put in serious work, I was near the bottom of the well, so I knew exactly the request I had for the first ceremony. I was asking to let go of this conditioning that had always lingered over me, its presence known since my earliest memories, but its source had always eluded me, one that I know is shared by many, a persistent nagging feeling that “I am missing something”, who is the pretend Joshua that feels not good enough, why do I give pretend Joshua so much power, what do I need to let go so I can stop believing these stories, clearing any and all past anxiety and valuations about them, those which ultimately cause the feeling, emotion, and pain that the pretend me has put on all this. That is a heavy ask, I knew that with complete eyes wide open awareness going in, I was likely asking to experience some epic pain and struggle. If you can find the right questions to ask, if you have put in the work, and you are ready to know the answers, Mama Aya has a way of delivering, I was counting on it, this was the reason for my return, I knew this was the question that I had to know, and what I wished to let go, giving an open invitation to the pain, the pain that was the medicine I needed, with the confidence that I was ready to understand.

While all that was clear in my mind, countless pages written to such effect, then solidified with the recommended meditation practice, I also walked in with some heavy energy, as I mentioned previously, this dark energy, energy that was not my own, the “other”, the yin to the yang of my true nature, it is my attraction to the darkness, and it to me. After drinking the Ayahuasca, a profoundly vile tasting substance, I sat on my mat and waited, things escalated quickly, my mind seemly raced through every thought I didn’t want to think about in those moments, there was darkness in those thoughts, I kept repeating my intent over and over in my mind. Soon I was laying down, eyes closed with visual hallucinations, the visions where coming in fast and heavy, beautiful beyond words but darkness was lurking on the edges. Jorge was the first to purge, early on, a prelude to what was to come, there was just a dark energy around, I could feel it in my thoughts and see it in my visions, and Jorge took on so much for me, at times it felt as if we where in a purging competition, who could purge more violently and loudly than the other. Upon further reflection it is clear he took on the vast majority of this “other” energy for me, this is what a Shaman does, they move energy, and he carried most of that load, so I could clear the heavy energy that was my own, that thing that lived deep down inside of me, the core of the understanding I was after. When the weight of this energy came on fully, a chill rushed through my body, it was without a doubt the heaviest darkest energy I have ever felt, the darkest place I have ever experienced, the entire night was so heavy, in fact, Jessica would tell me at the conclusion, it was the heaviest personal ceremony they have ever done. Hours of this energy and many visits with my purge bucket, so much came out of me, my memories are spotty and sparse, but I remember this next part with complete clarity, it was deeply profound, the source of my question came into full view, the deepest darkest moment of my life, the most abrupt and deep feeling of hopelessness and sadness, imagine crawling into the deepest darkest tiniest hole with nothing but yourself and no way out, that is the closest explanation I can give, I would soon come to terms with this happening and let go, and ultimately with the realization this is what the two year old boy Joshua experienced , abandonment, sadness, hopelessness, all coming in on me, like a bulldozer parked on my chest, the heaviest of weight one can imagine crushing my soul, until it finally released, the letting go, into the most powerful and painful purging session imaginable. While I purged and moaned, I remember saying “what am I doing here”, the thought of how could I possibly do two more nights of this raced through my mind, Jessica played a aggressive beat on a drum and chanted, so integral to the experience that I can still feel its vibration in my chest as a physical memory and hear its sound in my mind, the purging was painful, in fact my chest hurt for days following that night. This incident I had just relived occurred when I was just a little boy, it was so deeply imprinted, the source of the conditioning I wanted to be free of, it had been hidden from the conscious self, but forever influencing my conscious mind, well until now, thanks to Mama Aya, I cleared it all, as Jorge said in Spanish, it was rooted deep inside, using his hands to illustrate how it was deep inside the abdomen, and with his and Jessica’s help, I pulled that root out, in a heavy and dark yet eerily beautiful ceremony. After the ceremony closed, I walked up the hill along the cobblestone streets back to my condo, completely exhausted, confused and dumbfounded for hours, how could this have eluded me, I had never even considered this incident, one for which I fully knew had occurred, but it was as clear as a crisp bluebird Fall day, this was the answer for which I sought.

As my second ceremony approached the following evening, I had only slept a few hours, the previous nights journey into my unconscious mind, so life altering along with the lightness and emptiness that remained upon its removal, made sleep elusive, but as darkness fell over PV, I found myself back on my mat, purge bucket to my side, eager but with nervous energy abound, I worked hard to stay focused on my intent as the medicine took hold, asking for insights about the purpose of this high vibration energy presence that I have been finding within myself, this gift I seem to have, I want to be this energy, to live in this energy, to be the authentic self, my true nature. Another big ask but I was ready, I figured this night should be lighter with all that energy cleared, but the previous night weighed heavy on mind, I suppose I felt some guilt for bringing that “other” dark energy into this ceremonial space. Early on I was tormented with the karma I have created in this life, but yet to unwind, created by my actions and desires, any place in this life I was not square with all three points of my being; body, mind, and spirit. Karma is such a misunderstood concept, but ayahuasca allowed me to experience it physically and emotionally, and once you feel it in your soul you can never unknow it, there is no hiding from it, you must face it head on, and account to yourself for every single thread you have created. I had a healthy purge, just normal, to clear all this, nothing like the previous night, just the medicine I needed for my soul. As I begin to layout this next experience, I should probably preface it with this, each of us have our own beliefs, it is very human to draw lines between what we believe is reality and what is in the spiritual realm, this is part of the illusion, the dream world we are living in, but what I am working up to tell you here is exactly what happened to me, I am not asking for anyone to believe it, only to share my experience. As I accounted for the previously mentioned karma, there was lot of back forth between light and the dark energies, a rollercoaster of feeling and emotions, dramatic highs and lows, and during this time I had spiritual visitors, in my visions, my thoughts, and my perception of energy, in fact Jorge brought up the visitors prior to my ever mentioning it post ceremony, one of them was my grandfather, Pappaw as he was known by us grandkids, a consistent fixture in my visions, but also in energy, his presence was unmistakable, so profound, that even as I think about it now I can smell the sweetness of the pipe tobacco he smoked on occasion. He was a profound figure in my life until his passing when I was 16 years old, the most influential masculine presence in my life. The message through Jorge to me was as follows, mind you I had yet to breathe a word of my experience prior to this telling, they are so happy to see me heal from this, your gifts will become more developed now that you have cleared this, and your healing has healed your visitors tonight. My other visitors I didn’t know, I saw them in my visions, I suppose they are ancestors, but I can’t tell you much about them, only that I am certain they where present. This experience has brought me to emotional breakdown, sobbing tears, a few times in the days that followed, that connection with my Pappaw, had felt lost, so long lost for so many years, even though I have never forgotten his impact on my life, it was his gift of weaving together truths and lies into lyrical tapestry of story that inspires my writing. The learning from the ceremony was clear, it is time to plant something new in place of what I had pulled out, to fill that void deep inside me with intention, to plant a new seed, to care for it with great attention and love it until it grows strong roots, strong trunk, and a tapestry of branch’s in perfect chaotic perfection, until it becomes a mighty tree. It was a beautiful ceremony, completely different than the former, lots of light energy, my energy.

Going into the final night, the 3rd sit, I was empty, emotionally, physically and mentally exhausted, but the thought of not going through with it never crossed my mind, I was focused on where I was going, and this last ceremony felt critical to my journey, I had been holed up in my condo in PV since the first ceremony, but I had to move to a new rental for the last couple days, and I needed food, my supplies where depleted, so I ventured out into the city and its bustle of happening, to be greeted with an experience I can only describe as such; there was such unknowing and emptiness inside me, unsure who I was in this place, any place for that matter, as if I was experiencing everything for the very first time in my life, as if looking at the world through a child’s eyes, all brand new and curiously interesting, and I suppose I was, that feeling continues to hang with me in the present, its quite lovely, childlike and playful. Until that moment I had no idea what question and intent I would have for the final ceremony, but it came to me right in that moment, crossing that busy street in Puerto Vallarta, belly full, having just ate my final bits of food before the ceremony, a block away from the flat I just moved too, right on the ocean. The question I wanted to know, how do I flow with and in this universe, be with the change, be my true nature, to know and live in the perfection of that, let go and move beyond any attachment, embrace the void, who says this thing is suppose to be so serious anyway. Before I knew it, I was back on my mat, exhausted but ready and eager. Once again, I was given just what I asked for, there was no purge required, I was clean energy again, stripped right down to my true nature, the child, it was the energy I experienced at the retreat, I was treated to an entire journey where I experienced the duality in all experiences of living in this bag of tissue and fluids we call the human body, to be human, the aperture for which the universe experiences itself, I flowed through all sorts of human experiences, riding along with the change, through the valuations that one outcome might be good, one might be bad, one was what I wanted, and one is what I didn’t want, my deepest desires, my regrets, my hopes, my shortcomings, and my dreams, through the feelings that I am all that I need to be, or that I am missing something, is this life suppose to be so serious, or maybe it is just one big cosmic joke, and we are just caught up in our own delusion, we are all just pretending here, the illusion of my experience as human being played out in front of me, I was touching the dream world we live in, all the while a thick heavy dose of irony and playfulness hung over it all, a bright warm light shining down, I couldn’t help but giggle regularly at the absurdity of it all, it was all just so amusing, a most beautiful dance through the consciousness of the human experience. It is here, in these moments, that rediscover myself, my true nature, what I was originally, before life happened, a playful light energy, playful is the really the best word I can find to describe it, all the while wondering who it was that typed up the memo that this whole thing is suppose to be so fucking serious! This experience of being the universe in a human body is as amazing as it gets. There can be no words that can describe that how special it feels to connect with that, life altering.

This incident that occurred when I was two years old was no mystery to me, but as I have no conscious memory of it, I had long assumed that it was not an important event in my life, but that was simply not the case. As a good friend recently put it, you went to bottom of the well, and upon the realization there was an even deeper darker cave to climb into, you just kept on going, and that is in fact exactly what I did, right into the unconscious mind, a scary place for many people, I suppose for fear of what they might find down there. I find myself going back into my memory storage to see if I can find anything, but there is nothing, my earliest memories are a later, that little boy had no idea what was happening, why he was in the situation that was, but his little mind created its own story about what was happening, that story became the base conditioning for a life, my life. Through the pain and hopelessness I experienced that first night, I was able to live it again, but even with my fully functional adult brain and reasoning, I know it only scratches the surface of what that experience must have been like for that little boy. I hold no negative feelings about what happened though, that would be silly, and would serve me no purpose, the healing and letting go is in the forgiveness, in fact, it might have been the single most important moment of my life, for all the downsides, it has made me powerful in many respects, the source of many gifts and talents. It has been the driving basis for most of my personal and professional achievements in this life, it gives me access to incredibly deep feeling and emotions, those that serve as the fuel and inspiration for my writing, and the depth at which I can feel love for others. The universe only exists in duality, in all things, there can be no “is” without “isn’t”, you can’t understand happiness if you never experience sadness, in order for there to be light energy, there must be dark energy, for there to be sound there must be silence, everything only exists in its relative comparison to something else. Now about my dark side, I am light, that is my true nature, but the darkness is attracted to me, and I to it, it is a powerful connection for which I must be on guard at all times, I could go on here, but I suppose this is one of those things I will keep just for me, it is the duality of my true nature, because you can’t have light without dark, the yin to my yang.

I can never thank Jorge enough for what he took on that first ceremony, it was powerful, it gives me new appreciation and understanding for what it means to be a medicine man, shaman, and spiritual guide, he moved so much energy that I brought with me through his purging and his powerful medicines. A shared experience that can only have one outcome, profound love and gratefulness for not only him but Jesscia’s profound wisdom and steadfast translation of Jorge’s deep understanding and interpretation of the events that unfolded for me over these three ceremonies. The experience was more than anything I could have dreamed up, a most profoundly beautiful, magical, painful and transformative life experience.

So that leaves me here, in the present moment, within the constant change of the universe, letting it all come at me, flowing with it, detached from both sides of the duality, it works a lot better, certainly simpler, viewing the universe through the lens of amusement, with child eyes. This presents a new opportunity, a gift to myself, to exist and live from that place of uncertainty and not knowing, a chance to embrace it fully, because for the first time in life, I am no longer functioning from a place ruled by the primitive brain and its need for survival, the outcome based thinking that is so easy to fall into, I am simply in and existing with the flow. That doesn’t necessary make this life journey easy, remember I said simpler, not easier, as a human being, feelings and emotions are simply part of the experience, pain and agony is as inevitable as ecstasy, by choosing to live my life in the light I know that I have not picked the easiest path, but oh well, the whole thing is just so damn amusing, the connectedness of it all, this entire illusion, the dream, it is just a beautiful playscape where the universe gets to live out my playful energy within itself.

So I go on from here, having taken a huge step forward, having peeled back the layers right down to the core, and what an adventure, deep into my unconscious mind. I will just keep smiling, being my childlike playful self, my true nature, forever connected to the flow of the universe and its beautiful dance.

Joshua

“The best people possess a feeling for beauty, the courage to take risks, the discipline to tell the truth, the capacity to sacrifice. Ironically, their virtues make them vulnerable; they are often wounded, sometimes destoryed. - Ernest Hemingway