Threads

Here I am again, pounding away on my keyboard, sometimes I get in such a groove that I can feel a rhythm develop as I type, then with playful intent hit the keys with way more force and velocity then required, just to enjoy the sound, at play, spewing my nonsensical musing for all those interested in reading, somewhere over the Atlantic Ocean, this time on my way home, on this 8 hour flight in an aluminum tube from Amsterdam to New York, reflecting on the the past week, but more so reflecting on the year that has been thus far, and how all this awesomeness fits into this grand journey I find myself playing a part within. It has been a wild five months of many firsts and a few lasts. This linked together with some threads of reflection that occurred over my recent days in Nederland, coalesced into a thought that has me feeling quite humbled and grateful, to find myself here, this place I have spent a life thus far searching for without even knowing it. A search for a place, let’s call it a place of mind, as it is so for me, a place, not a state, as state seems to imply some temporary existence, at least in my mind, and this feels much more permanent than that.

There was this exchange in the not so distant past, one I had actually all but forgotten, until a moment in Holland triggered the memory, that memory became the thread to connect all these thoughts, some of those written here, those that had been rolling over and over in my mind together for weeks with seemingly no connectedness, then this thread appears, connecting them all together in a perfect inspirational moment, that thread is something any decent piece of writing needs, it is the something that provides the connectedness, I am always searching for it, in anything and everything I have an inclination to write about, so what was the exchange you might be wondering; I was asked what I would do, if I could do, whatever I wanted to do for the rest of my life, a rebuttal to my question of the same, which is the sort of thing I like to know about interesting people, and this woman certainly had my interest, which is why I asked the question to start with, but I don’t recall it ever being turned back on me in such a witted direct fashion, it is a simple question, but telling, how a person thinks about that question will tell you so much about them, my response, “I think just more of what I am doing right now”, which in its simplest form, travel, write, hang out with my daughters as much as they will allow me, and work on my business, these things are my life’s work, the sum total of this life of play, the important bits anyway, and up until that exact moment, I doubt I ever would have answered it as such, but this person caught me at exactly the right moment in time, a moment of wide open clarity and candidness. The importance of said response didn’t even register until later, much later, in fact it didn’t register at all until that memory floated back into my mind, out of nowhere, as thoughts have a tendency to do, like a feather dancing on the breeze, as I sat outside on the patio at a wobbly little table, sipping a double espresso, nibbling on some fresh sourdough bread with creamy soft butter smeared on top, the late afternoon sun shinning across my face, deeply pondering the magnitude of the art experience I just had, at a café on Paulus Potterstraat, right across from the Vincent Van Gogh Museum, bicycles zooming past, the trams picking up and dropping off at the stop to my right, people of every conceivable corner of the earth strolling to and fro, right in the hustle and bustle of Amsterdam’s happening, in that moment I realized that I have spent my entire life searching for this place, this place of mind.

I seem to find myself each day reflecting, asking the question, “could this life be any better?”, it doesn’t seem so, it really is perfect, filled with essentially more than anything I could have ever dreamed up. I find myself full of content and gratitude, nearly free of unintentional thoughts, those kinds of thoughts that cause people to live in fear, pain, anxiety, and unhappiness, even those that do make a surprise visit are less sticky, as in they simply float in and out of my mind like puffy white cloud on a blue bird day, there is no attachment to them. That is a tricky widget for someone pretending to be a writer, as many times the turbulence and torment within in those thoughts contain the threads that lead to connectedness for some inspiration, but I am learning how to find those threads in other ways. That day and the visit to that museum was such a moment of finding, after four hours of sheer visual bliss and energetic ecstasy, surrounded and engrossed in inspiration, by some of the best art ever created by human hands, I suppose I was just in a wide open and free thinking space, the threads of thought and connection were flowing freely. The other insight that occurred to me that afternoon as I was sipping that espresso, I was highly tuned into the energy of that place, my understanding and awareness around this has been growing, in this place though it was at a new level, and the light of its implications just understandable. I think sometimes we are so dialed into our everyday lives and the places we live, that when we visit a new place, there is a fighting of the letting go that has to happen to really feel it and be in the flow a new place, we would like to force it conform to us, bend it to our will, how we were upon our arrival, all so we feel comfortable, with all our creature comforts, our routines, but really living in and experiencing a new place takes openness to change, willingness to change, I was in that struggle with myself the first few days in Holland, I was trying to let go, into the collective energy of that place. Until a person can let go, relax and be in the energy vibe that is that place, one can’t fully experience a places’ true nature, and be that persons’ true nature in that place, as with people, places have their own energy, a collective energy and consciousness, made up of the past and present, of all those human lives and souls, if I can get tuned into that energy, then I can flow with it, at which point magic happens, every time, I become me, suppose I am always me, but the best version of me, and when I am me, I begin to manifest opportunities, I attract the most interesting people, the most amazing experiences, and adventures seemingly fall out sky right into my lap, I smile a lot, I am my playful nature, just following the threads of universe, into the flow.

I must admit that while I took each of these photos, watching people stumble from piece to piece, many completely stupefied, overwhelmed by the sheer magnitude, spending their time looking at the paintings through their phone screen, snapping photos, shooting video, rather than just being there, present, experiencing them directly with their own eyes and sensory perceptions. Upon taking my first photo, I thought to myself, how fucking silly and just down right stupid, there is no way this spectacularness could possibly transfer onto a photo to be displayed in digital form, so I didn’t take too many, just a few, when it felt right, besides I didn’t really want to spend my time that way, not in that place, instead I put in my ear buds, dialed up up some funky delicious tunes on Spotify, and was just present with the art and the music, couldn’t tell you much else. It was a magical way to spend four hours roaming and looking, just being present. While no photo can ever adequately represent what exists within that place, Vincent’s home, they are not awful, anyway, hope you enjoy them.

This ongoing integration process has been interesting, it has been an up and down ride, it is certainly not a straight line, but what is in this life, learning how to live intentionally in the flow, with the threads weaving into the tapestry of the universe, it is one thing to say your good with it, it is a whole different thing to live with it every moment, I feel like I am figuring out how to be this new and improved version of Joshua, how to live my life anew, it feels like that is going to take some time, I will just give whatever time it takes, let it be. This work and journey has taken so much of my attention and effort and will continue in the present and into the future. There are a handful of experiences I can look back on in this life, and by handful I mean less than five, experiences that changed the trajectory of my journey, and this has certainly been one of them, the thing is, I am not exactly sure at what moment it all happened, was it when I got the idea to look and find the Ayahuasca retreat, or was it when my dear friend ask me how long I had been on a spiritual journey, triggering that it was in fact such, or was it the move to Montana, or the first winter when I found the Out Islands of the Bahamas, I suppose individual “what's” are of no consequence, they all happened, these are moments that matter, but it is the thread weaving them all together, the journey, I suppose some day I will look back on this time of my life with more clarity and understanding, as if that even matters. There is a part of me that wishes I had found this path sooner, but I trust in the perfection of it, the truth, that I found it when I was ready, when it was suppose to happen, it simply couldn’t have happened earlier or in any other way. All things come in due time, we just have to keep showing up!

While on this trip, I did come to the realization that I am at an important inflection point, a curious spot where my attention seems to be shifting, but I will get to that in a moment, so many great things are happening, I am in love with the happening, my efforts are paying off in spades, but this journey is a life long process, and I find myself deeply committed to it, the experience of this reality is more beautiful than ever. These energy upgrades come with some new sensations, a new awareness, it is a gift, but also a new challenge, perceptions of energy really, those that I mentioned formerly, as it was put to me recently so eloquently, “as you go through these energetic upgrades, the awakening, the more sensitive you become to the subtle energies of living in a limited reality”, that explains its as well and succinctly as it could be, its a subtleness that is usually overlooked by our infatuation for the dream we live in, its impact, dramatic and real upon our living being, that energy experience can become overwhelming in the moment, Amsterdam is pure energy, both light and dark, coming at you, in furious volume and velocity. It seems the more I live with present intent, the more in tune I become with the connectedness of everything, and myself as part of that, the pieces of thread that energetically weave the universe together.

I suppose the point I am trying to get at here, maybe I am taking the long way around, but oh well, you know how it goes around here, musings and drivel, while I never know what might be inspiring me in any given moment within the flow, I am becoming sensitized to this energy that is all around us, I just have to tune into it, and in this moment, I am feeling the flow of universe pulling me to the new adventures that are coming and what those might look like. Thinking about how I want to spend my time this summer. The coming months are overflowing with all the best things life, more of everything I want to be doing, next up, returning to Mexico’s Pacific coast to spend what is sure to be a magical week with a dear friend, then a trip of a lifetime with my daughters to Machu Picchu and the Sacred Valley in Peru, later in the summer a trip to one of my favorite places on planet, Montana’s Flathead Valley seems a possibility, there is grass to mow, softball to watch, camping to be done in the Van, bands to see, kayaking, and just all around general summer fun, who knows what might fall out of the sky into my lap, this has all the makings of damn fine summer full of play.

I guess you could say that I have made peace with this limited reality and what I am sure we can all agree is just an absurdly brief ride, this earthly existence, and now that I have found this place of mind, I intend to live it out to its fullest with whatever resources the universe provides, searching for the threads, in every conceivable way I can imagine, with only one simple objective, follow the threads as they weave into the tapestry of the universe, to play, to play out my role in the performance we are all starring in.

Joshua

“It takes a lifetime to find a life like the life you had in mind, and now you’re mine” - A Lifetime to Find, Trampled By Turtles

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